The SLASH WRITER'S GUIDE to BETTER KIGO
by SHADO Commander
Summary: Like slash and KiGo?  Sure you do!  Want to write slash and KiGo?  With the willing and mostly eager cast of Kim Possible here to show you the ropes... or handcuffs,etc... Learning how is as easy as Bonnie's supposed to be! Longer!  Harder! It's Lesson 3!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note – This piece was inspired by several ongoing conversations on the KP Writers Zone forum, hosted right here. Perhaps, as a result, there will actually be bits of wisdom you might be able to glean from these words. Personally, I'd recommend you go over to the forum and see what's going on there, but since more people read the fiction here than anything else, I figured what the heck. Plus, as I'm coming to the end of my ongoing epic AT THE CENTERFOLD OF THE STORM, I needed something light as a break while I dig into the final chapters… And yes, this will be continued. _Legal disclaimers: Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable, Wade Load, Bonnie Rockwaller and all other characters are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context is probably considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18._

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THE SLASH WRITER'S GUIDE TO BETTER KIGO

By SHADO Commander and 'those who may wish to remain anonymous'

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LESSON ONE

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Setting: _A Large Theatre, the proscenium arch of which is currently obscured by a huge red, green and black curtain with an unusual variation of the classic Greek 'Persona' Masks that have come to symbolize Drama. However, rather than the traditional masks of Tragedy and Comedy, we are presented instead with masks of the lesser known Grecian deities Kimbermos and Shegomos, with Kimbermos occupying the left, red and green decorated side of the stage width, while Shegomos occupies the right green and black decorated side. _

_The lights dim, the curtain rises and a single spotlight picks out our master of ceremonies and head instructor for the evening, the esteemed writer (qualification: once wrote a 600 word __**Punky Brewster**__ fan fic) and critic (is on the internet, is therefore capable of being critical of everything,) __**WADE LOAD**__. He is wearing a tuxedo and, inexplicably, a blindfold._

WADE:

Greetings ladies, gentlemen, catgirls and all other beings of indeterminate and/or anonymous gender. It has come to our attention that there is a great deal of interest in a subgenre of Kim Possible fandom that is referred to as KiGo. Although I am theoretically too young too understand this… and have, in fact, been forced to wear this blindfold by the corporate legal department to make sure I don't see anything that I'm not exposed to on a daily basis on the interweb… it has further come to my personal attention that although much of the KiGo material that has been generated by fans is wildly imaginative and sometimes even amusing, there is a large percentage that could use a little technical help with both the actual _writing_ part of the writing process, as well as some… um… reminders about what is actually anatomically possible for a Possible.

SHEGO _(from Off - left, Stage-Whispered)_;

Don't forget to tell them that girls don't have penises!

WADE _(Whispering)_:

We'll get to futa later!

SHEGO _(still off, whispered)_: Well, make it sooner, okay? Those things ruin the lines of my suits!

WADE _(back to normal, ignoring Shego)_:

Um, yes. In any case, however, since the one thing we know for certain is that people will NEVER use the internet for anything vaguely resembling educational purposes, we've taken it upon ourselves to cleverly collect a few pointers and tips under the guise of entertainment. For example, let us take the use of the common dramatic device known as the McGuffin. Wikipedia defines it as follows:

_MOTOR ED enters, uncomfortably wearing a Graduation Gown and Cap. _

MOTOR ED:

A **MacGuffin, **dudes, is "a plot element that catches the viewers' attention or drives the plot of a work of fiction". The defining aspect of a MacGuffin is that the major players in the story are (at least initially) willing to do and sacrifice almost anything to obtain it, regardless of what the MacGuffin actually is. In fact, the specific nature of the MacGuffin may be ambiguous, undefined, generic, left open to interpretation or otherwise completely unimportant to the plot. Common examples are money, victory, glory, survival, a source of power, or a potential threat, or it may simply be something entirely unexplained. Seriously.

_Ed turns and walks off stage._

WADE:

Well, that was boring, wasn't it? And he didn't even mention Hitchcock. Now, here's how WE'LL be presenting it:

_KIM and SHEGO enter in fancy dancing attire ala the Rockettes… or for those not versed in that, the opening of the __**Bugs Bunny/Roadrunner Show**__; ie: they are wearing Top hats, Tuxedo-style tops over Danskins with fish-net hose and tap shoes. Both are also holding canes. _

KIM:

And a one, and a two and Three!

KIM & SHEGO _(singing and dancing the old soft-shoe):_

It's a MacGuffin… when you think it keeps the plot a runnin, but what it really does is cheat it!

It's a MacGuffin… if there's poison in the muffin but nobody ever eats it!

It's a MacGuffin… if they keep sayin that somethin's comin, but no one ever meets it!

It's a MacGuffin… if they've got a plan so cunning, but they never ever ever completes it!

SHEGO:

It's a MacGuffin… When Shego takes Kim out a clubbin', but never gets her hand on her tit!

KIM:

THAT is NOT a MacGuffin! _(storms off in anger)_

SHEGO:

It is for T rated KiGo fics, Princess! What? Am I sleeping on the sofa again tonight? Aw man!

_A dejected Shego trails Kim offstage._

WADE:

There, now wasn't that more interesting? And don't worry about Kim and Shego. One of the most interesting things about KiGo is that it automatically resets every time a new story starts. In fact, quite often even in the same story, continuity is a…

_Wade is cut off by BONNIE, who enters wearing only panties, a see-through negligee, fluffy Hello Kitty slippers and a spiked leather collar. She has a pillow and a whip under one arm. _

BONNIE:

Hey, nerdboy! You wanna tell me how you do that Hitchcock thing you were talking about? I got a M+ rated fic I gotta get to and I'm really tired of the same old kink and bondage tricks.

WADE:

Hitchock was a famous director, not a sexual position… not that I know what those are.

BONNIE:

Crap. Guess it's Dirty Sanchez time for me and Tara again.

_Bonnie stalks off._

_As Bonnie exits, KIM enters, looking irritated and holding a piece of paper._

WADE _(Stage Whisper):_

Psst. Kim, what are you doing out here? We were supposed to be talking about continuity!

KIM:

Yeah, well continuity will have to wait. MISTER 'I'm so excited I can't' Stoppable just asked if he could do his first bit now.

WADE:

Now? Uh… okay. Call me when we get back to continuity, okay?

KIM:

Sure thing.

_Kim looks at paper, obviously reading the text for first time_

KIM _(Reading aloud):_

And now, Ron "The Word Man" Stoppable would like to address the issue of vocabulary regarding… _(Gasps)_ I can't say that!

RON _(OFF, Stage whisper): _

Why not? You GOT 'em!

KIM _(Now blushing furiously):_

Fine! I'll PARAPHRASE! A word about terms for FEMALE ANATOMY!

_RON enters as Kim exits. _

RON:

Actually Kim, you have a very nice pair of frays, though I've never heard that term before. But that's the point I'd like to make to our friends out there.

_(Affecting a Mister Roger's/Sesame Street type of tone) _

You see, friends, so many writers get stuck using just one or two words to describe those jiggly mounds of luscious goodness that make the ladies stand out in a crowd. And what a shame that is, for there's no other pair of objects in the entire English language that have been so amply bestowed with so many fitting and descriptive names in the common vernacular. To wit:

_(Singing, more or less to the tune of the STATE CAPITALS song from Animaniacs)_

Balloons and baloobas, bazooms and bazookas  
and of course, there's boobsters and boobies,

There's a woman's sweet pleasures and ruby-tipped treasures,

And how could we leave out jahoobies?

There's headlamps and headlights, high beams and nightlites,

baby feeders, melons and googies!

Funbags and windsocks, DNAmy's got hamhocks,

There's so many names, gosh-a-rooties!

Cantaloupes, milk bombs, milk bottles and tom-toms

You see how easy this is?

If it comes in pairs or makes people stare,

just use it and you'll be a whiz!

Milk jugs and milk wagons and Shego's twin Dragons

There's puppies and wahhoos and cha-chas!

And we all love my pal Kimber, when she shows us she's limber

By shaking her pointy maracas!

Honkers, Badoinkies, and things that go boinky,

Come from onomatopoeia,

Which means names that are found by using a sound

That reminds you of what you'd like to see-a!

Snackers and smackers, and boy she's got stackers,

I'll have two quarter-pounders with cheese!

When it comes to bosoms, whatever you choose-ums,

Is almost certain to please!

Bee stings and blinkers, puppies and tinkers,

You can even use Bonnie and Clyde!

So be real creative when the chicks all 'go native,'

And your writing won't have nothing to hide!

For tits, titties and shakers, there'll always be takers,

Cause we all love it when they show their moneymakers!

Except for hairy-chested trannies, Kim's 80 year old granny,

And Drag queens who're nothing but fakers!

There's yum yum and cow-cows, and oom papa mau maus,

And good grief, did I forget Hooters?

Cupcakes, gob-stoppers and sometimes there are floppers,

And after school you can see Tutors!

Oh I just love all breasties, they're where I love to resty,

My mammary gland obsessed blond head,

When I look 'bove the navel, just about all that I'm able.

To say is "Damn Torpedoes, full speed ahead!"

_Wherever else the song might be going is cut off as __**THE CURTAIN drops on Ron, flattening him**__. His unconscious body now lies half inside, half outside the curtain.. but as we watch, Ron's body is pulled under the curtain._

SHEGO _(OFFSTAGE):_

Hah! What'd I tell you! Nailed him!

DNAMY _(also OFF):_

Good, I have a few words to share with Ronald when you're finished.

NANA POSSIBLE _(also also OFF):_

Get in line, big girl. I've already got my rocker set up for waterboarding.

SHEGO _(STILL OFF):_

Ooooh, I LIKE the way you think, Grams! Tell ya what, cut me in for some Lemon Squares and you got first shot.

_and the lights go OUT. _

End of Lesson 1

NEXT TIME – How and why to get your characters naked, extremely out of character behavior and maybe we'll get back to continuity.


	2. Chapter 2

The SLASH WRITER'S GUIDE to BETTER KIGO - LESSON 2

_The lights come back up to reveal WADE, still blindfolded. He stands there a minute, obviously not able to tell that the lights are up until finally:_

**BONNIE** _(from OFF Stage):_

Psst! You're ON, nerd!

**WADE**:

Oh! Um, yes. For those who've asked or expressed concern, both of you, Ron's recovering from his concussion nicely, and should be back with us shortly.

_At that moment, RON wanders past in the background, his head wrapped in heavy bandages ala The English Patient. He is mumbling incoherently and MAY be saying something about the horror he has endured, and possibly something about lemon squares _

**RON**:

"The horror… The horror… something about lemon squares…"

_WADE "watches" RON exit, then continues._

**WADE**:

So, he's back. In the meantime, let's continue our review with an issue that every writer should look at a little more closely: Possible Nudity. Now, while the lawyers have said that I can't look at it myself, a writer…

_Wade is suddenly interrupted as KIM and SHEGO storm in, Shego looking more than a little irritated and Kim embarrassed._

**SHEGO**:

Whoa! Wait up Nerdlinger! Miss Prissy Princess Pants here is going all moral majority and having second thoughts about the showin' her naughty bits bit!

**KIM**:

You don't have to say it like that Shego! I'm well aware that there are a lot of valid artistic reasons for a performer to work… um… in the nude. I'm just not sure this is artistic enough to…

**SHEGO**:

We're a frickin' CARTOON, Princess! How can you get any more artistic than being drawn by hand?

**WADE**:

Kim… artistic merit aside, you KNOW we need the naked stuff to keep people interested. It's not like anybody reads fanfics expecting great literature.

**SHEGO**:

Or passable grammar and spelling, for that matter.

**KIM**:

I know, I know, the whole "show me the 'money shot'" thing. And I've been practicing, really! I've been walking around the house naked all week. But the thing is….

_Kim pulls out a DVD of MIRRORS 2_

**KIM**:

I keep thinking about THIS!

**WADE**:

Ah, yes. Your voice actor's first big nude scene. Available on both DVD and Blu-Ray, not that I would have seen either version. So, are you saying that you're bothered by how her nude scenes seemed to be so gratuitous?

**KIM**:

No, what bothers me is that my voice actor has bigger breasts than I do! The little pointy thing was cute when I was starting high school but I haven't had any character development since then! I'm college aged now, and it's getting embarrassing! Have you SEEN Carlson-Romano's rack lately?

**WADE**:

Yes, but only in movies about ice skaters. It's not like there are websites with nude clips and stills on the internet, heaven forbid. But on the other hand, you didn't have to be in MIRRORS 2, so I'd say you came out ahead on the embarrassing equation.

**KIM**:

Well, yes, there is that…

**SHEGO**:

Yeah! So get with the CCR program cupcake! You may still be getting residuals from the show, but the rest of us have to work for a living. And MY only steady other gig is binding my boobs flat and stunt doubling the freaking Jolly Green Giant! So I hope you'll understand when I say…

The fan's perverse enjoyment,

Is our form of employment,

And we get paid by the number of clicks,

So to appeal to them fanboys,

You've got to show them some o' your toys,

And appeal to their libidos and dicks…

So…

While you stripping may seem quite gratuitous,

for the rest of us, it's most fortuitous!

'Cause when your naked ass you're shakin,

That's when these fics bring in the bacon,

But if you refuse to show your titties,

There'll be no money in our kitties!

Which is why we've made it our agenda,

To expose the world to your bared pudenda!

So won't you please heed our request,

And get that clothing off your chest?

_Shego stops and looks at Kim, who still seems unmoved by the appeal, but a little agog at some of the so called 'poetry.'_

**SHEGO **_(desperately)_:

My bank account is looking bleak,

Come on Kimmie, just one free peek?

**BONNIE **(_off stage):_

Stand back Shego, let US give it a try!

_BONNIE and the ENTIRE CHEER SQUAD march in wearing full cheer outfits. While their outfits themselves are the same MHS one's we've seen in the show, their pom-poms are… um… different. Specifically, they're flesh-colored except for a single rose-colored tuft on the end, which they are all holding in front of their chests and shaking in jiggly circular motions. Needless to say, it's obvious what they look like, and if you can't figure it out, you need to find another genre to write in.) _

**BONNIE AND CHEERLEADERS**:

_(Marching and chanting in Drill Squad formation) _

If you'll just take off your tank!

We'll put some moola in the bank!

If you give your boobs a flash!

The rest of us will earn some cash!

_Having reached center stage, they form a 'pom-pom' line, shaking what the pom-pom manufacturer gave 'em for all they're worth. _

**CHEERLEADERS**:

We don't have an annuity,

So how 'bout a little nudity?

Come on Kim, support your Class,

Show us a little tits and ass!

_Bonnie takes the position of drill leader, facing the others. _

**BONNIE:**

If she exposes a little skin,

**CHEERLEADERS:**

It'll keep our wallets from getting thin!

**BONNIE:**

If you need funds to invest…

**CHEERLEADERS:**

Get Kim Possible to show her breasts!

_Shego joins in._

**SHEGO:**

What if she shows some sweater meat?

**CHEERLEADERS:**

There'll be paychecks and we can eat!

**SHEGO:**

And if she shows a little hiney?

**CHEERLEADERS:**

Our financial outlook will be shiny!

**BONNIE:**

To make your fiscal forecast finer

**CHEERLEADERS:**

Let the world see Kim's vagina!

**SHEGO:**

So come on Kim, don't be fussy!

Won't you show the world your…

**KIM:**

ENOUGH! I GET THE PICTURE! I'll do it! Gah! _(stalks off stage)_ I'll be in my UN-dressing room getting ready if anyone needs me!

**CHEERLEADERS** _(following Kim off stage, shaking their pom-poms)_:

YAAY!

**BONNIE:**

Man, is it ALWAYS that hard to get her to take her clothes off?

**SHEGO:**

You think that's bad, you won't believe what I have to do to get cunnilingus sometimes. Takes a frickin' act of Congress.

_SHEGO and BONNIE exit leaving WADE alone once again. Well, almost._

_RON wanders past in a delirium._

**RON **_(mumbling incoherently):_

No… no… not the banana pudding… no…

_RON wanders off. _

**WADE**:

Ahem. Well, now that THAT's settled, let's look at nudity. I mean, let's look at the SUBJECT of nudity. Were I able to access highly protected websites that screen out those underage… like Wikipedia… I would probably know much more than I do. However, this is how the internet defines nudity.

_Absolutely NOTHING happens._

_Wade waits a few seconds, then repeats himself._

**WADE:**

I said, THIS is how the internet defines nudity.

_There is the sound of a scuffle backstage and MOTOR ED stumbles out in his Graduation Robe cap, propelled by MR. BARKIN'S FOOT. Ed's cap is on backwards, he has a half-eaten jelly donut in one hand and his face is covered with powdered sugar and jelly._

**MOTOR ED** _(To someone offstage):_

Whoa! That was like, so not cool!

_Finally realizing that he is onstage, Ed turns around and addresses the audience._

**MOTOR ED:**

Uh…** Nudity** is, like, the state of wearing no clothing. Seriously. The wearing of clothing is exclusively a human characteristic. No, wait a second dudes, I've seen movies where these monkeys were wearing clothes… and they, like, caught these three astronauts and put them in cages… it was so wrong and GAAAAAAA!

_Motor Ed's dissertation has been cut off because he has suddenly been attacked by a very irate MONKEY FIST and a HORDE of MONKEY NINJAs! _

**MONKEY FIST:**

How dare you mock the greatest movie ever made? Monkey Ninjas! Make him eat his stupid hat!

**MOTOR ED:**

No! Wait! Monkey dudes that is so not… no! NO! GARfafadaerrrbbbbbbb!

_Ed, Monkey Fist and the Monkey Ninjas all tumble offstage as Wade finally gives up. _

**WADE:**

Oh, never mind.

Moving on, we've prepared a little presentation on Incidental Nudity 'do's and 'don't's. By incidental, we mean nudity that is not directly related to sex scenes, whatever those are. If I knew what I was talking about, I might use terms like EYE-CANDY, FAN SERVICE or , as my Grandmother says, WHACKING MATERIAL, to describe this incidental nudity. What is important for you, as a writer, to understand is that the average reader finds the thought of characters naked in unusual situations eminently re-readable. Moreover, the more POPULAR and well known the character, the higher the interest. That translates to a higher hit count, which is really the only way to measure popularity, and therefore your skill as a writer.

That said, there ARE situations that are less attractive to prospective readers than others, and the differences can often be quite subtle. Here are a few examples for you to study. But please, be observant. There WILL be a test afterwards.

Situation One. Here is a GOOD way to get Kim Possible Naked

_The set behind Wade quick changes to Drakken's Lair. Kim has just entered via her grappling rope, but DRAKKEN pulls out a huge Blue Raygun! _

**DRAKKEN:**

Ha ha! You lose this time, Kim Possible! My new Raybeam will make your clothes unravel at the molecular level!

Drakken pulls the trigger and, for once, his device works exactly as anticipated and Kim's clothing VANISHES! Kim shrieks in embarrassment!

**KIM:**

Eeeek!

**DRAKKEN **_(embarrassed, and getting an eye-full):_

Wow, you really ARE all that!

**WADE:**

Okay, that was a WELL thought out scene. But watch what happens in almost identical situation that the writer didn't think out QUITE well enough.

_ALMOST the same scene. Drakken's Lair. Kim has just entered via her grappling rope, but DRAKKEN pulls out a huge RED Raygun! _

**DRAKKEN:**

Ha ha! You lose this time, Kim Possible! My new Raybeam will make your clothes burst into flame!

_Drakken pulls the trigger and, for once, his device works exactly as advertised and Kim's clothing BURSTS INTO FLAME! Unfortunately, so does Kim!_

**KIM:**

Aaaeeee!

**DRAKKEN **_(embarrassed):_

Uh… Shego? Cleanup on aisle 5!

**WADE:**

Okay, here's another one. This is a GOOD way to get Kim Possible naked.

_It's a shower scene with all the other cheerleaders. Kim is soaping Bonnie's back and not looking like she is enjoying it._

**BONNIE:**

Oh Kim, thank you for soaping my back after I sprained both arms when you failed to catch me during practice.

**KIM:**

Uh, yeah, it's no big.

**BONNIE:**

Well, THIS might not be, but I'm having my period and you're going to have to do my tampons next.

**KIM:**

Urk!

**WADE:**

And now here's one that wasn't quite as well thought out.

_It's a completely pitch black room. We can see absolutely nothing._

**BONNIE'S VOICE **_(From Somewhere in the Darkness):_

Thanks for helping me test out my new sensory isolation booth Kim.

**KIM'S VOICE:**

It's no big Bonnie. I guess we'll just be here in the dark all weekend and… uh… what's that smell?

**BONNIE'S VOICE:**

Oh, didn't I mention that I'm a bed-wetter?

**KIM'S VOICE:**

Urk!**  
**

**WADE:**

Okay, here are a few more: GOOD example.

_We are in an artist's studio. DR. DEMENTOR is 'disguised' as a painter, wearing a smock and a fancy beret on top of his helmet. KIM has just entered._

**DEMENTOR:**

Ah, Miss Pozzible! Zank you for ansering my ad for a model on ze Deviant Art page! Now please to be removing your clothes!

**KIM **_(undressing):_

So not the drama! I loved your photoshoped reworks of screengrabs from _Punky Brewster!_

**WADE:**

And a BAD example.

_Kim and DNAMY are in a hotel room._

**KIM **_(Nervously):_

So… um… You said you needed some help in your ad on Craig's List?

**DNAMY **_(Undressing):_

That's right Kimberly! I need someone to help me make my sex tape!

**KIM **_(Screaming in terror):_

Aaaaaa!

**WADE:**

Good Example.

_An exotic tropical resort. Kim is trying to hide behind a potted plant as she speaks into her Kimmunicator, something she is being forced to do because she's completely naked_… as is everyone else in sight.

**WADE'S VOICE **_(Over Kimmunicator):_

I'm sorry Kim! I could had sworn they said it was a BUDDHIST Camp!

**WADE:**

Bad.

_A man wearing a white mask and rubber gloves approaches a nervous looking Kim._

**PROCTOLOGIST:**

Ah, Miss Possible. I understand you have a hemorrhoid you need looked at?

**WADE:**

Okay! Do you think you get the idea? Here's the test:

WHICH of the Following are GOOD ideas, and which are BAD ideas?

1. Kim has to sneak across a topless beach unnoticed.

2. Kim gets a really, really bad case of hives

3. Kim's Club Banana card bill is too high and all her clothing is repossessed

4. Kim is hypnotized into thinking she's Rufus.

5. Kim is physically transformed INTO Rufus.

6. Dr. Anne Possible looks at Kim's old baby pictures.

7. Kim trying on lingerie at CBannana's Secret when attacked by Adrena Lynn

8. Bootlegged Kimages from a TSA screening booth put on internet by Drakken

9. Sex Tape with Shego

10. Anything involving Kim and Dog Collars

BONUS QUESTIONS!

A – What is the WORST way to get Kim Possible naked?

B – What is the BEST way to get Kim Possible naked?

**WADE:**

Okay, so here's how to grade the test: If the above ideas didn't give you at least three ideas for slash fics, you failed. If you had some really wrong ideas of your own, or stopped to write your own fic, you get an A.

For the record, however, the WORST way to get Kim naked, as submitted by "Miss B. R. on Top from Middleton," is… hydrochloric acid!

_Science class. A still stupefied RON trips as he walks toward his lab partner, Kim._

**RON:**

Whoops!

**KIM **_(dissolving)_**:**

AAAAAAAaaaaaaa…

**WADE:**

Well, there WAS some nudity, briefly. And now, the BEST way, according to "Ms. Go Who Should Know" is… Two drinks and a lame pickup line!

_A crowded bar. Kim is at the counter, looking sloshed. SHEGO stands next to her._

**SHEGO:**

Okay, that's two Shirley Temples Princess. Wanna come see my etchings?

_Kim throws herself into Shego's arm, kissing her sloppily._

**KIM:**

Nahh… Why don't you just take me home and fuck me?

_Shego give the audience a wink and a 'thumbs up' as she carts her willing prize off for an evening of especially sordid debauchery._

**SHEGO:**

Works every time. Damn, I love these fan fic relationships!

_The curtain comes down, leaving only Wade still standing in front._

**WADE:**

Of course, the legal people have asked me to remind you that all active participants in the preceding scenes were over the age of 18, unlike myself, and that all characters and scenes, including myself, are property of Disney, who own dang near everything these days. Inserting a notice like this is, of course, absolutely no legal protection whatsoever from a company that will sue a day care center or even the Academy Awards over the slightest perceived infraction of their draconian interpretation of copyright law, but what the heck.

_The curtain comes back up behind Wade, revealing an expressionistic set composed of a single wooden chair to the front and a large bed behind at stage center. Sharp-eyed readers may recognize this same set from the same author's GREEN EGGS AND KIM. Yes, the author is very cheap._

**WADE:**

And now, we're very pleased to announce that Middleton's resident Poet Laureate, Miss Tara Ihavnolastname, has agreed to compose a piece she calls "An Ode to Plot Development."

_TARA, wearing 'beatnik' attire composed of black leotards, black fishnet hose, black spike-heeled boots and a stylish black beret, walks onto the stage and perches… just barely… on the edge of the chair, in a manner that best shows off her figure and her long, elegant legs. From SOMEPLACE, we don't know where, she produces an already lit cigarette (the producers hope it's tobacco, but it looks suspiciously hand-rolled) and takes a deep drag._

_Dramatically, she exhales a large smoke ring and begins:_

**TARA:**

When drafting a plot,

You need to know who's not what,

So before you off on a spree go,

Cross your 't's, dot your 'i's,

Before they uncross their thighs,

Or you'll be stuck up a creek, mi amigo!

.

Remember that it just isn't done,

To retract plot points once you've begun,

So block out where each A, B and C go.

And changing a character's libido,

Is like digitally altering Greedo!

So before letting their inhibitions all free go:

.

To prevent future frustration,

Work out their orientation,

It's like a game of sexual Stratego,

You've got to use concentration,

To avoid poor plot fabrication

If you're going to sell the concept of Kigo.

_Behind Tara, KIM and SHEGO enter. Kim is wearing a very tiny baby doll nightie and holds her favorite Cuddlebuddy, PANDAROO. Shego is wearing a dominatrix outfit and holds a pair of handcuffs. _

**TARA:**

What you first have to posit,

Is who's hiding back in the closet,

Because we all like sexual intrigue, no?

And then your second trial,

Is deciding who's in denial,

And taking 'em down with a same-sex blitzkriego!

_Behind Tara, it's obviously been decided that Kim is the one who's not out. Not that they debate on it very long, as Kim tosses Pandaroo over her shoulders and she and Shego practically jump into each other's arms and begin a furious exchange of tongue feignts and counters. _

_Ah, but at this point, RON enters, wearing only his boxers, and his jaw drops open in shock!_

**TARA:**

So now what will Ron say,

When he finds out Kim's gay?

And that she's sneaking out to do Shego?

Or what if he learns that Kim's bi,

And dropped him AFTER giving Shego a try?

Then does poor Ron take a blow in the ego?

_In a funk, Ron collapses into the bed as Shego and Kim keep right up with their increasingly amorous adventuring._

_Now DRAKKEN enters the scene, wearing only a tiny speedo… _

**TARA:**

But what if Ron's gay too,

And into someone who's blue?

_Except Drakken is suddenly knocked aside by a certain giant superhero wearing only a mask and a strategically placed blue sock!_

**TARA:**

And Kim catches him sleeping with Hego?

And like birds of a feather,

They all end up in bed together,

Having hot HeKiRon as a three-go?

_Kim and Shego look sadly at each other and Kim reluctantly jumps into bed with the two men._

**TARA:**

And then Shego enters the scene,

Looking for her favorite red-headed teen

And decides she wants to play in this new league, doh!

_Okay, so now all four of them are doing it, but mostly divided along same-sex lines, because, hey, we've done our market research and we delivers whats the peoples is wantin.._

**TARA:**

So HeKiGoRon is borny,

And they all act really horny,

Until everyone collapses from sexual fatigue – oh!

_Action is as described and continues, ad-lib, until end of scene. It is all very disturbing._

**TARA:**

So we've come to our climax,

But let's double check our facts,

And before you let your story go,

It's still a little bit bare,

So let's shove some other crap in there,

So your readers don't absentee go!

.

Now what do you think

About adding bondage and kink,

And having the girls both over Hego's knee go?

Or we could add some tension,

So perhaps we should mention,

A villain or monster like the Canadian Wendigo?

_Okay, we didn't want to interrupt the sex, so we have an abominable snowman enter wearing a bondage outfit and join the fun. This mostly seems to involve Ron and the snowman spanking HeGo while the girls continue to push the limits of an M rating._

**TARA:**

But hey, it's YOUR story,

It's up to you if it's a bit hoary,

And will pass if you let your vanity go,

So that last step to acclaim.

Is to give it a name,

That will up on a big fat marquee go!

.

And that's all there is,

Now you're a fan fic plot whiz.

It's official, let it in your diary go,

Then start writing, you bastard,

You've no excuse, for you've mastered,

The fine art of plotting out KiGo!

_The lights go out on Tara and the bed as we end the sordid scene._

**WADE:**

Thank you Tara. And now, dear readers, it's time for YOU to practice the writing skills you've learned today… and if we may suggest, one way to do that would be to write some generous and wonderful reviews. Remember, if you don't write, all these poor Kim Possible characters, including myself, will go hungry. Don't let that happen! We'll see you again… um… as soon as the writer is released from the home.

_(Yes, to be continued)_


	3. Chapter 3

_Authors note: I have no idea where this stuff comes from. It just keeps appearing on my keyboard. What the hey, it's been typed, so here it is. Hope you enjoy. Legal disclaimers: Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable/Zorpox, Wade Load, Dr. Drakken, Bonnie Rockwaller, Tara, Monique, Yori, Motor Ed, Electronique, Brick, Josh, Jessica and all other characters are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context is probably considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18._

_############  
_

The SLASH WRITER'S GUIDE to BETTER KIGO

LESSON 3

############

_The lights come up but the curtain stays down. From offstage, we hear a BLOODCURDLING SCREAM…_

**YORI:**

_(off)_

Aaaaaaaa!

_And then another BLOODCURDLING SCREAM joins it- _

**SHEGO:**

_(off, screaming)_

OW! Jesus Jiminy in a Picnic… Aaaaa! Basket!

_And then a third…_

**KIM:**

_(off)_

No! No! Slower! Dear God have mercy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaRGHHHa!

_SUDDENLY, a very panicked-looking_ _WADE LOAD runs out onto the stage in front of the curtain. As Wade is still blindfolded, he almost falls off the front of the stage, but miraculously he recovers at the last second and staggers backward to safe footing. _

**WADE:**

_(Nervously)_

Hi, uh, we're back again! There seems to be a bit of a delay backstage and I'm not sure what's been going on since they won't let me take this blindfold off, but they told me to come out and stall, so I thought I'd explain how a flash drive works…

**SHEGO:**

(From offstage)

Whoa! Wait up Pointdexter!

_Wade turns in puzzlement as SHEGO suddenly steps on stage and crosses to him. She is dressed in what is essentially her "Miss Go" outfit, including the glasses, the only difference being that her clothes are now in her trademark green (the jacket) and black (everything else.) She also, oddly, has BANDAGES all over her exposed legs and even on the tops of her EARS. In her hand she is carrying a stack of ENVELOPES._

**SHEGO:**

The producers said for you and me to answer some reader mail while the others are having their fur shaved.

**WADE:**

Oh good, I was wondering how we were going to…

_(Beat)_

Um, did you say "fur shaved?" Was that a euphemism?

**SHEGO:**

Actually, it's about the only thing in this chapter that isn't. It seems some idiot got excited by the "dog-collar" bit last time and started writing a furry piece, so now half the girls have got cat-ears and a bad case of UHGS.

**WADE:**

Unnatural Hair Growth Syndrome?

**SHEGO:**

Yeah. So we've got the Diplatory and Body Modification Departments working overtime back there, but it'll be a few more minutes until all those pussies have been shaved and trimmed back to swimsuit safe…

_(Shego hands the stack of envelopes to Wade)_

And let me tell you, if I ever catch one of these furry writers alone in a dark alley, they're going to learn the hard way what it feels like to have a full body shave and bikini wax and then have a plastic surgeon reshape your ears after every fucking chapter!

**WADE:**

Uh… yes. Well, um… anyway… so, reader mail, huh?

**SHEGO:**

Yeah. Legal says you can read but I have to answer 'cause...

**WADE:**

I'm not old enough to be responsible, yeah yeah. In that case, let's see what we have…

_Wade opens the first envelope and begins to read the item inside. How he does this while blindfolded is a mystery, but he IS very talented._

**WADE:**

Yes I am. So, question one – oh, this is a topic I know will be of interest. HoofNMouth at ffn would like to know: "Do you think that, under the right circumstances, the use of some explicit profanity might be alright in a fan fic?"

**SHEGO:**

Are you fucking kidding me? He's asking that in THIS fucking fic?

_(adjusts her glasses in a snooty-librarian type fashion)_

Dear Hoof - Fuck yeah, you can use all the fucking profanity that you fucking want. And just in case there's any fucking doubt left on the subject: fuck fuck fuckity-fuck-fuck. Capish?

_(to Wade)_

So, do you think that answered his fucking question?

**WADE:**

I think so. Okay, our next question is from SteamPoweredBoogalooII at the KP Slash & Hash, Kigo and Eggs site, who asks – "Realistically, how many people do you think will actually read my fan fic?"

**SHEGO:**

Dear Boog. I'm sorry, but realistically the answer is no one. You see, you're actually living in the Matrix and all of this is all just in your imagination. Which, considering that the best thing you could come up with to amuse yourself is talking to a cartoon character about fan fics, is actually kinda sad. Not as sad as the fact that I, a super-powered super villainess, am actually stuck here answering lame questions like that, but its pretty damn close.

**WADE:**

Hmm. Our third question comes from an SKingInBangorMaine at IHateTomClancy dot com, who writes – "I've finished my latest story, but I can't seem to come up with a good title that someone else hasn't already used. Do you have any suggestions?"

**SHEGO:**

Oh, this is an easy one. Dear Banger - Roman numerals are your friend, my friend. Just pick a popular story that you like the title of and add a number to the end of it. Hey, they do it all the time in Italy, and legally you can't copyright a title, just a story. Better yet, since technically all of these fan fics use the same set of characters, it actually COULD be a sequel, not that it really matters. What's important from your point of view is that by the time they figure out that it's not really a sequel, you'll already have racked up the hits on your FFN account. Ka-Ching!

**WADE:**

Wow, that's diabolical, but it does explain Piranah II – The Spawning. But how about some actual name suggestions?

**SHEGO:**

Let's see… I've always been partial to anything with the word "Fisting" in the title, so _**Monkey Fisting**_ is a natural. _**Fisting Kim Possible**_ would be good too, and then there's _**Drakken's Fisting Of Fury, Mr. Barkin Goes Fisting, Bonnie's Close Encounters of the Fisting Kind, Ron Fisting Mankey in October, **_…

**WADE:**

I think we'll move on now. Question number four comes from KonstipatedKeyboard at DrakRon, Scat and All of that dot com - "I'm writing a fan fic but I've hit a writer's block. How can I get around it?"

**SHEGO:**

Dear Konstipated - first you should consider why you have writer's block. Perhaps it's your subconscious telling you something. Is it possible that the world's just not ready for that Senor Senior Junior/Monkey Fist/Duff Killigan three way yaoi sex scene… you know, the one with the enemas and the Shetland pony? If you really want to continue, though, I suggest copying a random page from Wikipedia and have the characters suddenly decide to have a conversation about that subject… something like, say, the proper technique for de-fuzzing sweaters. By the time you've finished turning the wiki page into dialog, you should have either worked through your block or have decided to go de-fuzz your sweaters, which may actually be a more productive use of your time.

**WADE:**

Okay, I've just received word that the girls have all been de-cat-eared and are in the final bikini waxes, so we should have time for one last question. It comes from ImaCollasalHack2011 at In Possible dot com – "I'm thinking about writing a fan fic and I want to do something no one has ever done before. What would you suggest?"

**SHEGO:**

Dear Hack - Well dang… I had this great idea about de-fuzzing sweaters but I just blew it on the last answer. So… in that case, how about a story where Kim and I are trapped together in a desperate situation like a sinking underwater base or a collapsed underground lair. Realizing we may be doomed, we confess our true feelings for each other and then have continuous sex for the next one hundred and thirty pages.

**WADE:**

Um… hasn't that plot been used just a few times?

**SHEGO:**

Oh yeah, the plot, sure… but I've never done a hundred and thirty page sex scene and I'm kinda interested in seeing how many alternate words they could come up with for 'vulva.'

**WADE:**

An admirable writing challenge indeed! And on the subject of alternate wording, the foreman of our body services division has given us word that the girls are all-clear… which isn't actually a euphemism in this case, but makes for a nice lead in to a piece about euphemisms! So without further ado, our cast would like to present a little essay in verbal substitution that they've decided to entitle CLUBBIN' THE OLD BANANA.

_Wade and Shego step off stage as the curtain rises, revealing MONIQUE, BONNIE, and TARA, all standing center stage leaning against the sales counter in the middle of a perfect replica of the Club Banana set. Although they are dressed in typical CB saleswear, what they are actually doing is passing around a VERY large joint. _

**TARA:**

_(taking a long toke and exhaling) _

Mmm! Whoaaaa. That is some seriously good mellow yellow, Monique!

**BONNIE:**

_(Taking the doobie from Tara and also taking a drag) _

Yeah, seriously! And might I add that this job has also seriously kicked ass since you became the senior manager.

**MONIQUE:**

Hey, we broke our monthly sales record today, so I gotta take care of my best girls, IYKWIM, right?

_(Monique takes a HUGE drag on the joint.) _

**BONNIE:**

Oh, yeah. Though… if you wanna really make this BonBon happy, Club Banana could set her up with a REAL banana. I got a fruit salad that needs that extra ingredient if you catch my drift…

**MONIQUE:**

Heh! I hear that. Been a while since I had a good banana in the pie myself.

**BONNIE:**

_(Making an 'o' shape with her thumb and forefinger and stroking an imaginary object)_

A nice BIG banana!

**MONIQUE:**

_(duplicating the hand gesture, but simulating licking the imaginary banana like a long lollipop)_

A loooong one with just a bit of a curve…

**TARA:**

_(taking yet another drag)_

Hey, I don't care about the size. Any banana in the bunch is good with me, just as long as it ends up in my pudding.

**BONNIE:**

Oh yeah, I'm not kicking any bananas out of my banana boat, but given a choice, I'll always go for the biggest one…

_(rubbing the imaginary banana between her breasts)_

Mmmm! A great big, hard, firm banana…

**MONIQUE:**

Exactly what you just said, Bo. Give me an overripe 12 inch Big Mike banana, all big and swollen and black…

**TARA:**

Those are nice, but I like the little ones too. Heck, I even like them when they're soft. When I see a big soft banana hanging there, I can't wait to get my lips around it.

**BONNIE:**

And work up a little banana glaze for your jelly roll…

**MONIQUE:**

Mmm hhhm! And then there's that wonderful banana cream taste in your mouth!

**TARA AND BONNIE:**

Mmmmmmm!

**BONNIE:**

You know, I've never told anyone this before, but I once had five bananas all at the same time.

**TARA:**

No way!

**BONNIE:**

Yes way! They were all hanging together and couldn't make up my mind as to which one I wanted… so I said, what the hell, I'll take 'em all!

**TARA:**

Whoa. I don't think I could handle that many bananas.

**BONNIE:**

Yeah, they wouldn't all fit in the bowl at once, but there was some serious banana split action going on that night, let me tell you. And I couldn't get that banana-shaped smile off my face for a week!

**MONIQUE:**

Damn, now I REALLY want a banana.

_Monique takes another drag, just as KIM steps out of the dressing room, folding a couple of shirts. _

**KIM:**

Okay Monique, the back rooms are cleared out so we can…

_(stops, sees the reefer) _

Oh man, are you guys getting stoned AGAIN?

**MONIQUE:**

Don't worry, girlfriend, it's cool! I bought the shit from the security guard. He's not going to narc on himself, right?

**TARA:**

Yeah, why don't you try some Kim? We're just all sitting around, talkin' bout bananas.

**KIM:**

Bananas?

**BONNIE:**

_(leering)_

Yeah, bananas. You know.

_(Archly) _

So what kind of bananas do YOU like. Miss Prim and Proper?

**KIM:**

Oh, actually, I don't like bananas.

_At this, Bonnie, Tara and Monique all break up laughing hysterically_

**MONIQUE:**

Kim sweetie… when we're talking about bananas, we're not REALLY talking about bananas.

**BONNIE:**

God, you're such an innocent! You've probably never even SEEN a banana, have you?

_Kim arches an eyebrow at the others._

**KIM:**

Oh Reaaaallllly…?

_In a sudden, lighting fast blur, Kim grabs Bonnie, pushing her back and forcing her fellow cheerleader down against the counter… and before BonBon even has time to react, Kim is leaning over on top of her and planting a VERY hot, VERY wet kiss on Bonnie's gaping mouth. The kiss continues for about twenty seconds, during which time Bonnie's arm motions transition from frantic flailing to hanging limply at her side and, finally, slowly coming up to caress Kim's back. Just as it's become obvious that Bonnie is getting VERY turned on, Kim pulls back and looks with satisfaction at Bonnie's panting chest, drool covered face and dreamy expression._

**KIM:**

_(Smiling)_

Actually, I knew exactly what you were talking about BonBon. But the thing is, I'm really just not into 'bananas.'

_And with that, Kim drops Bonnie completely, standing back up with a smile and straightening her clothes as if nothing had ever happened._

**KIM:**

Now if you'll excuse me, ladies, I've got to go meet Shego at Bueno Nacho… I don't want to be late for all you can eat taco night, if you know what I mean!

_The lights on the set fade and the curtain comes down. A spotlight picks out WADE as, still blindfolded, he wanders out onto the stage. _

**WADE:**

Gosh! What do you suppose THAT was all about? I personally have no clue, but I've been given a note that the purpose of the preceding example was to demonstrate how, by the clever use of EUPHEMISMS, it's quite possible to carry on an elaborate dialog about a given subject without ever actually mentioning it by name. Here's how a common dictionary, that we won't mention by name for legal reasons, defines Euphemism.

_A spotlight picks out a badly battered MOTOR ED as he steps out on the other side of the stage. His graduation gown is now totally shredded, he's covered with monkey bites and his graduation cap is, indeed, stuffed up his ass._

**MOTOR ED:**

Okay, like, a EUPHEMISM is the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend, suggest something unpleasant or just be generally way gnarly. It's also, and this is serious dudes, what you call the expression substituted. A recent example of EUPHEMISM is use of the word Cougar to describe a woman who has reached mid-life, who is single, financially secure and on the lookout for relationships with younger men—as in "prey."

**ELECTRONIQUE:**

_(from offstage)_

Ooooh yoo hooo! Teddy! Where are you?

**MOTOR ED:**

Oh shit. Sorry dudes. I gotta get back to _**At The Centerfold of the Storm**_ or 'Nique's gonna cut my fucking balls off.

_(beat)_

And that wasn't a euphemism. Seriously.

_Ed scurries off in a panic, leaving Wade alone on stage again._

**WADE:**

Well, that was actually pretty accurate for a change. And as a fan fic author, you will find euphemisms extremely useful… not just as a way of including innuendo and cranking up the seeming overall naughtiness of a story, but also as a way of avoiding overzealous fanfiction site censors. To further discuss the application of this technique, we've recruited yet another pair of our unexpected songsmiths, the gifted team of Drew Lipsky, aka Dr. Drakken and Zorpox the Destroyer… or, as they're currently known on the Country Western circuit: Blue Man Groping!

_DR. DRAKKEN and RON/ZORPOX enter wearing their traditional villain attire but with the addition of cowboy hats. In addition, Drakken is carrying a large mother-of-pearl banjo and Zorpox drags an enormous double bass. As Drakken begins to adjust a center-stage microphone, Zorpox tunes his bass by plucking the strings exactly once. Plink! _

**DRAKKEN:**

Thank you my good man, ladies, cowpokes and germs! We're "Blue Man Groping," a name I fear we must use because those bastards Ackroyd and Belushi stole our first name of choice. But, this is no time for bitterness, and my true blue companion and I have composed a little ditty…

on the subject of the day,

And if you want to sing along, it's certainly okay!

Now I know I know that I'm no Buck Owens,

And Zorpox ain't no Tim McGraw,

But even if you don't like country,

You gotta know the tune of Turkey in the Straw!

**RON/ZORPOX:**

Nuff talk! DRAKKEN SING NOW!

**DRAKKEN:**

You got it, my blue brother!

_(Singing, to the tune of Turkey in the Straw, of course.)_

When Kim says "I'll take you in,"

Meaning "as a roommate," we all grin,

For we all hear the double entendre hanging in the air,

Because let's face it it's just too easy,

To make anything sound a little sleazy,

You just have to bend your words so there's a second meaning under there!

**ZORPOX:**

It can be like night and day,

When someone says "they want to play,"

And the only way you can tell what they mean is empirical,

So when we hear that Bonnie blows,

"Blows what" is what we wanna knows,

What double meanings can do for your writing is a miracle!

**DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:**

_(Chorus)_

So when your characters start to break the ice,

It always pays to make your readers read twice,

You can underscore your character's underlying sexual schism,

When you learn to use the magic that we call a euphemism!

**DRAKKEN:**

Is Shego talking about her mechanic,

Or is she saying she's sexually manic,

When she says that her motor's been left running way too hot?

And just what kind of fun,

Does Bonnie mean by "Junior's big bad gun"

Until we know if when he plugged her she ended up laid or shot?

**ZORPOX:**

Will there be a lot of stares,

When Kim shows Shego all her wares?

That depends if she's working in Club Banana when she shows

When you play around with context

You can make anything sound like sex,

(Though if you're writing a KiGo tale I think it probably won't mean clothes!)

**DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:**

_(Chorus)_

So if you want Kim and Shego to lean "that-a-way,"

There's so much innuendo that can imply that they're gay!

You can underscore your character's underlying sexual schism,

When you learn to use the magic that we call a euphemism!

**DRAKKEN:**

Is Kim looking at her Timex

Or coming to a climax

When she concentrates on those oh slow moving hands?

And just what kind of dyke,

Dam or girl, would Tara like

To encounter while she's cruising down through the netherlands?

**ZORPOX:**

And there's so much fun,

When you find a natural pun,

As in "Hey Kim, how do you feel about Fort Dix?"

If the phrase turn leaves you wondering,

Then you're probably not far from blundering,

So go ahead and stir it on into the mix!

**DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:**

_(Chorus)_

Slips of the lips change the whole undertone!

Turns of phrase can tell you who'd they'd like to bone!

You can underscore your character's underlying sexual schism,

When you learn to use the magic that we call a euphemism!

**DRAKKEN:**

And then, of course, there are all sorts

Of euphemisms based on sports

Like first base, to score a goal or to make a pass,

And using a phrase like "go down'

Or an implying she's going to "go downtown"

Means something quite different when linked to Kim Possible's ass!

**ZORPOX:**

Any repetitive motion,

Will work, I have a notion,

Back and forth, up and down, in and out, you see

So if you say Kim Possible's,

Been riding on the bull,

The real meaning won't be in doubt, hee hee!

**DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:**

_(alt. chorus)_

Mention anything rigid, or for that matter frigid,

And it's going to affect the way that your readers will think,

And if you want to start tongues a wagging, try mentioning tea-bagging,

Because of course you can later claim you only meant the hot drink!

**DRAKKEN:**

Anything involving distances,

Can be dirty in most instances,

Like "comin' up the dirt road the back way round,"

And physical features like mountains,

Or plumbing fixtures like fountains,

Will usually euphemize what you want to say, or so I've found.

**ZORPOX:**

Does Ed mean his new hot rod

At night runs extremely odd

When he complains about his strange nocturnal emissions?

(And just how friendly is that fan author

Who oh so generously offers

To be completely open to all her readers' submissions?)

**DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:**

_(Chorus)_

How words are laid out can tell you so much more!

The tiniest nuance can turn an angel into a whore!

You can underscore your character's underlying sexual schism,

When you learn to use the magic that we call a euphemism!

**DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:**

_(now alternating lines)_

If it's tumid and erectile,

If it inflates or goes projectile,

You can use it to suggest the masculine appendage,

And it won't be perplexing,

What you mean by lots of twisting and unflexing,

'cause it always implies they're bumping uglies when there's lots of bendage!

.

But there's one thing you must beware of,

So before we end this, let's take care of,

Discussing a dread condition that sometimes befalls,

Those who try to sneak in too much dirty,

While they whack upon their QWERTY…

And that's getting stuck with a case of permanent blue balls!

_(Dropping their drawers for a graphic visual emphasis of the objects in question, Drakken and Zorpox roll into the final chorus by square-dancing gaily around, do si do-ing and promenading completely pants- less!)_

**DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:**

_(Bare-assed Final Dancing Chorus)_

So never forget that when you start to write,

Using the right euphemisms can double excite!

You can underscore your character's underlying sexual schism,

When you learn to use the magic that we call a euphemism!

_Still pantless, Drakken and Zorpox finish their last do si do, bow to each other, bow to the audience, and prance happily offstage yelling "Yeeehaw!" _

**WADE:**

Uh… thank you, I think, BlueManGroping! And now that we've had those useful tips, let's see what might happen if we applied them to a typical Kim Possible scenario. that we've entitled: **Euphemize Me**

_The curtain comes up again to reveal a typical Kim Possible classroom set. All of the usual suspects - KIM, RON, BONNIE, TARA, JESSICA, BRICK and JOSH are there, as well as the rest of the cheer squad and a few extra girls. As the lights come to full, we hear the sound of the CLASS BELL ringing. _**  
**

**BARKIN:**

Alright class, settle down! I regret to inform you that your regular teacher, MS. DeMeanor had a crab problem down at the beach… seems her field trip to Guatemala with our biology teacher, Mr. DeMartino, got a little more complicated than they expected, so I'll be taking over both of their classes for the rest of the semester. And fortunately for you, I hate grading tests and quizzes when I don't know the answers, so we're going to go straight to the final class projects where you get some real hands on experience and all I have to grade is a single report.

**KIM:**

Um… hands on experience? Mr. Barkin? You do realize that this class is Marriage and Sexual Hygiene, right?

**BONNIE:**

Yeah, exactly how are you qualified to teach this class?

**RON:**

And, like, have you even been married?

**BARKIN:**

That was a long dark period of my life I no longer speak of, but it wouldn't matter in any case. Teaching is teaching and fortunately Ms. DeMeanor sent a full set of notes… _(He holds up a green notebook with the initials DM on the front for emphasis) _though I gotta say, she's got the worst handwriting I've ever seen. But according to this, one third of your final grade will depend on this final project, which is to… uh… _(reading verbatim) _keep a four week diary covering the entire courtship, mating and reproductive process as you observe them first hand.

**TARA:**

Courtship, Mating and REPRODUCTIVE process?

**BARKIN:**

Did I stutter?

_(Barkin picks up a class assignment book and a pen and looks around the class.) _

So, the notes say that the first thing I've got to do is to pair you off in teams as partners!

**KIM:**

But Mr. Barkin…

**BARKIN:**

Stow it Possible. Let's see… boy, girl… Josh Mankey, you're partnered with Tara. I guess you're supposed to go forth and be fruitful.

**JOSH:**

Cool!

**TARA:**

Bitchin'!

**RON:**

But Mister Barkin!

**BARKIN:**

_(Writing Josh and Tara's names together in the assignment book)_

Quiet Stoppable. Brick, you're partnered with Jessica!

**BRICK:**

Hot Damn!

**JESSICA:**

Crap!

**BARKIN:**

_(Writing Brick and Jessica's names together in the assignment book)_

And next…. Oh...

**RON:**

That's what I was trying to tell you Mr. Barkin! Brick, Josh and I are the only three guys in the class!

**BARKIN:**

Hmmm. Well, I'm not breaking up the teams I've already made. Probably should have written these in using a pencil. So I guess you're going find out what it's like to live in a polygamous society. All you other girls are with Stoppable!

**RON:**

Whoa! Really? Booyah!

**BONNIE:**

Ew! Now wait just a second! I am not going to be on any cream team with a bunch of other girls! And I'm especially not going to be in a Daisy Chain with HIM at the end!

**KIM:**

Yeah! I'm sorry Mr. Barkin, but I don't want to swapping sockets either!

**BARKIN:**

All right. If you're going to be like that… Possible, you and Rockwaller will be having a Boston Marriage instead.

**KIM:**

WHAT?

**BARKIN:**

You know, a congenital inversion. A crossing of the wires. Batting for the other team.

**BONNIE:**

Is he saying what I think he's saying?

**KIM:**

If you think he's saying we'll be sharing Birkenstocks, yeah, I think you did.

**BONNIE:**

You and me? As in long time companions? Pushing the wheelbarrow? Punting from the Cambridge end?

**KIM:**

West End Thespians, riding the three wheeled trike, camp counselors… yep, that's what he said in a clamshell.

**BARKIN:**

That's right. Finger artists, Kitkat shufflers, wearers of sensible shoes… it's that or being sloppy eighteenths and nineteenths with Stoppable. Make your choice now, ladies, 'cause I'm using a pen.

**BONNIE:**

Well… if a third of my grade's riding on it, I'm sure as hell not going to place my bets on riding the baloney pony with that loser's Null Monte.

**RON:**

HEY!

**KIM:**

That's… actually a good point. Or a lack of one, in this case.

**RON:**

What? What does that mean?

**KIM:**

Well, um… no hard feelings, Ron, but I've dated you a few times and… that was exactly the problem: No hard feelings. You just didn't rise to the occasion.

**BONNIE:**

Hold on. Are you saying the sidekick didn't hold his end up? That he was serving boneless pork? His noodles weren't al dente?

**KIM:**

Let's just say let's just say it was a sch-wing and a miss. He tends to arrive a little early and has a severe ascension deficit disorder.

**BONNIE:**

Ooo, I gotcha. So he bounced the check of love and took Olympic gold at Lake Flaccid, huh? Early to bed, forgot about the rest? No flagpole to salute?

**KIM:**

I hate to say it about my BFF, but it was kinda like trying to shoot pool with a piece of rope.

**RON:**

You know, I'm sitting right here!

**KIM:**

Yeah, but the problem is that you should have been standing.

_(Kim sighs deeply)_

Okay, if a third of my grade's riding on it, I guess I'll bet on playing librarian with Bonnie versus Willy-won't-go and his less than Magic Johnson.

**BONNIE:**

I can't believe I'm saying this but… welcome to the bus, sister, looks like we're driving diesel to the same lodge.

**KIM:**

Unbelievable.

**BONNIE:**

Yeah. Unbelieveable.

_(Suddenly, thoughtfully…)_

On the other hand… it might be interesting to be with someone who actually knows her way around the local area. Maybe we could talk about it over dinner.

**KIM:**

_(now equally interested)_

Sounds… good. I'm always ready to eat… just about anything.

**BONNIE:**

Is that right? So…. how do you feel about… sea food?

**KIM:**

Oh I figure I can handle clamdigging for a little oysters Rockwaller. In fact, I know this great place at the gym…

**BONNIE:**

Oh yeah, down at the Y, right? What the hell, let's give it a try. We'll be in college soon anyway and…

**BARKIN:**

Okay, enough out of you two. Anyone else want to…

_(Barkin is suddenly cut off as the CLASS BELL rings loudly and the entire class, en masse, races out of the room to begin their "studies.)_

**BARKIN:**

Yeah, class dismissed. Whee!

(Puts class assignment book away.)

Okay, so it's DeMartino's Advanced Biology class next. Let's see what we have here.

_Barkin reaches under the desk and pulls out a cardboard box, pulling from it several glass jars, as well as a small pink notebook._

**BARKIN:**

_(reading book) _

Damn, DeMartino sure has some flowery handwriting. And why in the hell would anyone need to research the price of wedding dresses and baby clothes for fruit flies and sea monkeys?

_(There's a beat as he suddenly realizes that this is NOT DeMartino's book, and the book he was using in the previous class was NOT Ms. DeMeanor's.)_

Ah hell.

_(He stops, thinks it over and then a sly smile forms on his face.)_

Then again, this could prove to be… rather interesting. And I DID write everything in pen.

_Whistling happily, Mr. Barkin starts writing the words "WEDDING DRESSES FOR FRUITFLIES" on the blackboard as the lights go out and the curtain comes down._

_Everything is quiet for just a second, and then…_

**SHEGO:**

(from offstage)

Oh No! No way! It ain't ending like this!

_Shego storms back in front of the curtain, dragging Wade with one clawed fist._

**SHEGO:**

Now wait a damn second! What kind of a KiGo chapter was this supposed to be? I got one… ONE… taco eating scene and that was off camera, while BonBon got to do Kimmie twice? I mean, seriously, what the hell?

**WADE:**

Uh… Sorry Shego. I don't write this stuff… and frankly, I'm not even sure who writes it. They use a double pseudonym, not that I blame them!

**SHEGO:**

Yeah? Well you're going to know who wrote the next chapter, brother! 'Cause I'm taking over as the writer of this thing! And I promise you, next time this thing updates you're gonna see some proper red on green action! You got that?

**WADE:**

That's right folks! Next time, get ready for SHEGO does KIGO!

**SHEGO:**

Count on it!

_(The lights go out and all the good readers go out and write nice reviews or Shego will come and do very bad things to them in their sleep… and that's NOT the good kind of euphemism! See you next time if you survive!)_


End file.
